I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Randomize
