And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Randomize
