just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
