don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
