After last night, I could never be a politician.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
