i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
