i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Couch. On fire.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
