Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I think I won the penis lottery.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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