Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
