Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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