Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
