i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
