i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
