you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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