you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
