My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
