If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
