onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
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