Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Randomize
