Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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