life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
