dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
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It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
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I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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