I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
