We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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