Old men and throwing up are my life now.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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