tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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