We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
