I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
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