im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
