I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
