Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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