I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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