Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
