I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
