She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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