he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Randomize
