Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
She's the barista slut.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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