his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
