He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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