I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize