I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
