I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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