Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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