omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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