Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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