On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
