I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
if only i could text you this smell
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
