there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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