Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize
