Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
