i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
