you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
