i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Randomize
