I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
