if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
