On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
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