Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
