Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Randomize
