she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
