garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
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