So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
