wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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