In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
