ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
